Thursday, August 27, 2009
Do you ever feel the bumps in the road?
I suppose that today has been one of those days of reflection for me. I am not all to happy with what I am seeing. Are blogs only supposed to be filled with happy encouraging moments, or are they supposed to be a record of "real life" as some say? My husband leaves tomorrow for Haiti. I am happy for him simply because he will be holding our children very soon. Jason works so hard to provide for our family. I don't know why I just said that...but he does. It is not easy working for yourself. It is satisfying because you make your own rules, you clock in and out when you want, and you basically determine how much you want to make. It is also very difficult because you have to be self motivating regardless of how you feel, and you have to finesse everything even when you just want to scream, also waiting on money that you have already made really sucks. I know that Jason gets discouraged with our buisness. I just think that he has excellent work ethic and I wish that I was more like him in that arena. I also know that Jason is sooooo extremely thankful that he has this buisness and he feels blessed in it. I guess that I feel like that sometimes too. As a mother, homemaker, wife... it sorta feels hum-drum, you know... not really extraordinary. I know, I know... it is the most important job that there is. It is just so day in and day out. I am not complaining. I am living my dream. Why is it that contentment is so difficult to achieve. The Lord has given me exactly what I desired. I don't understand myself sometimes. I am living this life with everything that I desire and yet I feel like I should be doing more, be more. Having those feelings rob my joy in the now. I attended bible college with the intent of doing mission work... I came two classes shy of graduating. I quit. I regret not finishing and have lost that opportunity. I still feel this obligation... sometimes when I consider the mission field it seems so fulfilling... and then there are times like right now that it seems like an obligation.... something that I am supposed to do and never did fulfill. Sometimes I grow so weary just looking at the needs. I physically become tired and emotionally drained when I consider the needs of my friends on the mission field. I feel like I should be doing something more... more... more... and I literally want to bury my face in the pillow and shut down. I am not even the one on the field dealing with the issues! This obligation as I am calling it right now seems like a weight tied to me and I drag it around wondering when it is going to make sense. Like I said at times it seems like it would be so fulfilling to wake up everyday just to live for those around me... it is so cliche to say that. I can't even seem to do that right here within my comfort zone. I suppose that I am mullygrubbing... sulking. In many ways I see myself as a failure. I measure myself according to the enormous number of times that I have quit, or come short, and yes... failed. I know in my head that I shouldn't, and I can hear my mother now telling me how much she admires me accomplishments. I only wish that I could rest there.. be happy there... enjoy that right there. Does Father really delight in me just as I am... even the parts that I hide and fake? I am longing once again to feel Father wrap His arms around me. I need His presence to make it! I am ruined forever for anything less than His presence...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Still Waiting..
I can't believe that I left my blog unattended for sooo long! I have had a baby boy since my last update, and of course Jack has gone from puppy to official "dog". Our adoptions continue to drag on in IBESR. These days feel like I am waiting... always waiting. It is difficult for me to happily wait while my two children in Haiti continue to grow and develope without my care. I am thankful however, because they are in such wonderful care with the family that they do have there in Haiti. Jason (my husband) is going into Haiti this week.... I am so jealous. He is traveling with some other men to help with the construction of a new orphanage. I hate saying orphanage. It seems cruel to me. I would much prefer to call it the mission. Oh my...
My newborn is almost 4 months old. We named him Micah. It is funny because we unintentionally named all of our children with "uh's" at the end of their names. Micah has been such a sweet baby. I have enjoyed him immensely! Noah is our FUN packed little guy! He is three years old now. I am amazed to see how he is developing socially. He attends preschool three days a week for only a few hours each day. He is absolutely LOVING it! I enjoy having those hours to myself with little guy and it gives me some time to do the errands. Life with two young children is much different that one. I enjoy the FULL feeling that I get when I am with both of them. Noah adapted easily enough. I was concerned simply because for nearly three whole years Noah was the center of our attention and affections. Noah is gentle and loving with Micah. I do wonder how the dynamics of our home will change once Bella and Elijah come home. I know that Noah will enjoy having his older siblings to play with and keep him company.
It seems like this adoption has taken much longer than it has. Although two years is quite a long time when you are waiting. The last time that I held Bella and Elijah was November of 2008. I really don't know when I will be able to hold them again. I keep asking Father if they will be home by certain holidays or seasons... and each time that time rolls around I try not to get my feelings hurt by the disappointment. It is getting more difficult each time. When we decided to adopt Bella and Elijah we had no idea that it would have taken this long. I don't mean to complain.. it is just that things don't seem settled yet.
My newborn is almost 4 months old. We named him Micah. It is funny because we unintentionally named all of our children with "uh's" at the end of their names. Micah has been such a sweet baby. I have enjoyed him immensely! Noah is our FUN packed little guy! He is three years old now. I am amazed to see how he is developing socially. He attends preschool three days a week for only a few hours each day. He is absolutely LOVING it! I enjoy having those hours to myself with little guy and it gives me some time to do the errands. Life with two young children is much different that one. I enjoy the FULL feeling that I get when I am with both of them. Noah adapted easily enough. I was concerned simply because for nearly three whole years Noah was the center of our attention and affections. Noah is gentle and loving with Micah. I do wonder how the dynamics of our home will change once Bella and Elijah come home. I know that Noah will enjoy having his older siblings to play with and keep him company.
It seems like this adoption has taken much longer than it has. Although two years is quite a long time when you are waiting. The last time that I held Bella and Elijah was November of 2008. I really don't know when I will be able to hold them again. I keep asking Father if they will be home by certain holidays or seasons... and each time that time rolls around I try not to get my feelings hurt by the disappointment. It is getting more difficult each time. When we decided to adopt Bella and Elijah we had no idea that it would have taken this long. I don't mean to complain.. it is just that things don't seem settled yet.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Good Morning!
Today is gonna be a fun one! I am picking my mother up at the airport in about 2 hours! I can hardly wait! I haven't seen her since Christmas. My little boy Noah is sitting on the floor in our living room zoned out on Mickey Mouse. This is the routine every morning... a show, with breakfast and juice. Routines are very helpful. Soooo how does a 430am wake-up call sound to you? Didn't sound like a great idea to me either... OH WELL! I took the opportunity to gather my little guy into my arms and snuggle him up in bed with me, Lord knows that he will grow out of that soon enough. I better take every opportunity that I have to hold him while I can. It is amazing to watch him grow and discover his world. It is sorta heart wrenching too. I realize how fast the baby stage goes by and when it is gone it is gone. I am enjoying this stage of communication with Noah. From tantrums to hugs and kisses, he is definitely dramatic in every form of the word. He is repeating everything that he hears including the whines of our kitties. We recently got him a puppy "Jack". Boy does he love Jack! Every day they are running outside together. Quite a team! He is growing out of his clothes so quickly. The other day Jason tried to put pajamas on him that fit him only one month earlier... NOPE, not anymore! I say that's okay... gives me an excuse to go shopping! Speaking of shopping, I can hardly wait to hit the stores for that little girl of mine!
I gotta go, life is calling me back to the routines.
Today is gonna be a fun one! I am picking my mother up at the airport in about 2 hours! I can hardly wait! I haven't seen her since Christmas. My little boy Noah is sitting on the floor in our living room zoned out on Mickey Mouse. This is the routine every morning... a show, with breakfast and juice. Routines are very helpful. Soooo how does a 430am wake-up call sound to you? Didn't sound like a great idea to me either... OH WELL! I took the opportunity to gather my little guy into my arms and snuggle him up in bed with me, Lord knows that he will grow out of that soon enough. I better take every opportunity that I have to hold him while I can. It is amazing to watch him grow and discover his world. It is sorta heart wrenching too. I realize how fast the baby stage goes by and when it is gone it is gone. I am enjoying this stage of communication with Noah. From tantrums to hugs and kisses, he is definitely dramatic in every form of the word. He is repeating everything that he hears including the whines of our kitties. We recently got him a puppy "Jack". Boy does he love Jack! Every day they are running outside together. Quite a team! He is growing out of his clothes so quickly. The other day Jason tried to put pajamas on him that fit him only one month earlier... NOPE, not anymore! I say that's okay... gives me an excuse to go shopping! Speaking of shopping, I can hardly wait to hit the stores for that little girl of mine!
I gotta go, life is calling me back to the routines.
Monday, May 12, 2008
First Entry...
Good morning!
This morning I woke up drowsy! Imagine that! I am a mother of three so far. I have one biological son Noah, he is turning two in a couple of days. I have two children in Haiti awaiting their homecoming, BellaVisa age 4 and Elijah age 7. My husband Jason and I have been married for nearly ten years. Last summer we began the journey of adoption. It all began with a question that God laid before my husband... "will you love him". My dear friend Natalie had just returned from a trip to Haiti. She and her husband, and my husband and I were taking a double-date out, and during the car ride she was showing us pictures of the children up for adoption at the children's home. One picture stood out my husband and I. Later that evening the Lord asked my husband... "will you love him?" It was a strange thing for Jason because up until that moment adoption wasn't really anything we had considered for ourselves. My husband answered the Lord in a clip sort of way "Yes." We had no idea where that answer would take us. The child that we both "noticed" in the pictures was adopted out to another family shortly after the prompting of our hearts. This was sorta confusing for us because Jason and I thought that this little boy was ours. Now I understand that the Lord used him to open our hearts to the idea of adoption. A few weeks later Natalie emailed me a photo of a little boy and little girl together sitting on a chair. I already knew a little bit about the girl because of stories that Natalie told of her. I was genuinely interested in knowing more. When I received the email, I called my husband over and had him take a look. I said "Let's pray about them babe". We did. There was no doubt in my mind that God was leading us in this direction... the doubts came along when we were deciding weather or not to commit. It is amazing how God chooses to reveal the inconsistencies of our hearts. When it came time to either make the commitment or not I was in a tizzy. On the one hand I KNEW that this was God's heart, on the other hand I was wrestling with all of the questions, fears, and anxieties of the commitment to add two children that I didn't know to my family. I worried about the adjustments for my biological son, I wondered about the adjustment of these two "black" children into our extended family, I had anxiety over what sort of "issues" these children might have. It was literally one thing after another. I began to see that most of those fears and anxieties were just hidden areas of discrimination in my heart. I didn't know that there was any discrimination in me... it bothered me to realize that there was so much there. I began to ask the Lord to please reveal His heart to me concerning these children. I asked Him to change my heart. After MUCH analyzing and praying we decided to go forward with adopting Bella and Elijah (their names were different at the time... that is a cool story about how we got their new names... I will share that later). Once we finally made the decision to move forward ALL of the anxieties, and fears disappeared, that was interesting to me. My husband traveled to Haiti last year over Father's Day. He spent time with the children, and had the privilege of telling them that we were going to adopt them. Of course Elijah was sooooo happy, and Bella was typical for a little Haitian girl with a man... apprehensive. Jason brought back video footage of him telling my little girl that she was going to once again have a family, I wept at her timid reaction. I knew that I had to get over there and spend some "mommy time" with her and Elijah. We planned a November trip. My husband, Noah, and I flew into Port au Paix Haiti the beginning of November 2007 for my first visit. I could not believe my eyes as we traveled along the road in the back of a pick-up truck! I have seen poverty on television and in pictures.... but to see it first hand... you truly cannot describe it well enough. I was shaken to my core with the reality of the lives of the people. I saw a child carrying a basket of something obviously too heavy for him to carry comfortably. He appeared to be about six. I had nothing to give him to ease his load. It broke my heart to see him so young and working so hard. I quickly dug into my bag and found the toy car my son had been plying with during our travels and I walked over to this young fella and placed the car in his hand. He looked at me with surprise and wonder. I smiled at him with tears in my eyes, questioning in my mind weather or not he had ever had a toy of his own. It seemed silly to me to give him something so irrelevant when it was sooooo obvious that his needs were more serious, but I wondered if he would find some happiness and joy in that small token.
More later... my toddler is needing my attention
This morning I woke up drowsy! Imagine that! I am a mother of three so far. I have one biological son Noah, he is turning two in a couple of days. I have two children in Haiti awaiting their homecoming, BellaVisa age 4 and Elijah age 7. My husband Jason and I have been married for nearly ten years. Last summer we began the journey of adoption. It all began with a question that God laid before my husband... "will you love him". My dear friend Natalie had just returned from a trip to Haiti. She and her husband, and my husband and I were taking a double-date out, and during the car ride she was showing us pictures of the children up for adoption at the children's home. One picture stood out my husband and I. Later that evening the Lord asked my husband... "will you love him?" It was a strange thing for Jason because up until that moment adoption wasn't really anything we had considered for ourselves. My husband answered the Lord in a clip sort of way "Yes." We had no idea where that answer would take us. The child that we both "noticed" in the pictures was adopted out to another family shortly after the prompting of our hearts. This was sorta confusing for us because Jason and I thought that this little boy was ours. Now I understand that the Lord used him to open our hearts to the idea of adoption. A few weeks later Natalie emailed me a photo of a little boy and little girl together sitting on a chair. I already knew a little bit about the girl because of stories that Natalie told of her. I was genuinely interested in knowing more. When I received the email, I called my husband over and had him take a look. I said "Let's pray about them babe". We did. There was no doubt in my mind that God was leading us in this direction... the doubts came along when we were deciding weather or not to commit. It is amazing how God chooses to reveal the inconsistencies of our hearts. When it came time to either make the commitment or not I was in a tizzy. On the one hand I KNEW that this was God's heart, on the other hand I was wrestling with all of the questions, fears, and anxieties of the commitment to add two children that I didn't know to my family. I worried about the adjustments for my biological son, I wondered about the adjustment of these two "black" children into our extended family, I had anxiety over what sort of "issues" these children might have. It was literally one thing after another. I began to see that most of those fears and anxieties were just hidden areas of discrimination in my heart. I didn't know that there was any discrimination in me... it bothered me to realize that there was so much there. I began to ask the Lord to please reveal His heart to me concerning these children. I asked Him to change my heart. After MUCH analyzing and praying we decided to go forward with adopting Bella and Elijah (their names were different at the time... that is a cool story about how we got their new names... I will share that later). Once we finally made the decision to move forward ALL of the anxieties, and fears disappeared, that was interesting to me. My husband traveled to Haiti last year over Father's Day. He spent time with the children, and had the privilege of telling them that we were going to adopt them. Of course Elijah was sooooo happy, and Bella was typical for a little Haitian girl with a man... apprehensive. Jason brought back video footage of him telling my little girl that she was going to once again have a family, I wept at her timid reaction. I knew that I had to get over there and spend some "mommy time" with her and Elijah. We planned a November trip. My husband, Noah, and I flew into Port au Paix Haiti the beginning of November 2007 for my first visit. I could not believe my eyes as we traveled along the road in the back of a pick-up truck! I have seen poverty on television and in pictures.... but to see it first hand... you truly cannot describe it well enough. I was shaken to my core with the reality of the lives of the people. I saw a child carrying a basket of something obviously too heavy for him to carry comfortably. He appeared to be about six. I had nothing to give him to ease his load. It broke my heart to see him so young and working so hard. I quickly dug into my bag and found the toy car my son had been plying with during our travels and I walked over to this young fella and placed the car in his hand. He looked at me with surprise and wonder. I smiled at him with tears in my eyes, questioning in my mind weather or not he had ever had a toy of his own. It seemed silly to me to give him something so irrelevant when it was sooooo obvious that his needs were more serious, but I wondered if he would find some happiness and joy in that small token.
More later... my toddler is needing my attention
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