Do you ever feel the bumps in the road?

I suppose that today has been one of those days of reflection for me.  I am not all to happy with what I am seeing.  Are blogs only supposed to be filled with happy encouraging moments, or are they supposed to be a record of "real life" as some say?  My husband leaves tomorrow for Haiti.  I am happy for him simply because he will be holding our children very soon.  Jason works so hard to provide for our family.  I don't know why I just said that...but he does.  It is not easy working for yourself.  It is satisfying because you make your own rules, you clock in and out when you want, and you basically determine how much you want to make.  It is also very difficult because you have to be self motivating regardless of how you feel, and you have to finesse everything even when you just want to scream, also waiting on money that you have already made really sucks.  I know that Jason gets discouraged with our buisness.  I just think that he has excellent work ethic and I wish that I was more like him in that arena.  I also know that Jason is sooooo extremely thankful that he has this buisness and he feels blessed in it.  I guess that I feel like that sometimes too.  As a mother, homemaker, wife... it sorta feels hum-drum, you know... not really extraordinary.  I know, I know... it is the most important job that there is.  It is just so day in and day out.  I am not complaining.  I am living my dream. Why is it that contentment is so difficult to achieve.  The Lord has given me exactly what I desired.  I don't understand myself sometimes.  I am living this life with everything that I desire and yet I feel like I should be doing more, be more.  Having those feelings rob my joy in the  now.  I attended bible college with the intent of doing mission work... I came two classes shy of graduating.  I quit.  I regret not finishing and have lost that opportunity.  I still feel this obligation... sometimes when I consider the mission field it seems so fulfilling... and then there are times like right now that it seems like an obligation.... something that I am supposed to do and never did fulfill.  Sometimes I grow so weary just looking at the needs.  I physically become tired and emotionally drained when I consider the needs of my friends on the mission field.  I feel like I should be doing something more... more... more... and I literally want to bury my face in the pillow and shut down.  I am not even the one on the field dealing with the issues!  This obligation as I am calling it right now seems like a weight tied to me and I drag it around wondering when it is going to make sense.  Like I said at times it seems like it would be so fulfilling to wake up everyday just to live for those around me... it is so cliche to say that.  I can't even seem to do that right here within my comfort zone.  I suppose that I am mullygrubbing... sulking.  In many ways I see myself as a failure.  I measure myself according to the enormous number of times that I have quit, or come short, and yes... failed.  I know in my head that I shouldn't, and I can hear my mother now telling me how much she admires me accomplishments.  I only wish that I could rest there.. be happy there... enjoy that right there.  Does Father really delight in me just as I am... even the parts that I hide and fake?  I am longing once again to feel Father wrap His arms around me.  I need His presence to make it!  I am ruined forever for anything less than His presence...

Brothers

Micah 3 months and Noah 3 years

Still Waiting..

I can't believe that I left my blog unattended for sooo long!  I have had a baby boy since my last update, and of course Jack has gone from puppy to official "dog".  Our adoptions continue to drag on in IBESR.  These days feel like I am waiting... always waiting.  It is difficult for me to happily wait while my two children in Haiti continue to grow and develope without my care.  I am thankful however, because they are in such wonderful care with the family that they do have there in Haiti.  Jason (my husband) is going into Haiti this week.... I am so jealous.  He is traveling with some other men to help with the construction of a new orphanage.  I hate saying orphanage.  It seems cruel to me.  I would much prefer to call it the mission.  Oh my...
My newborn is almost 4 months old.  We named him Micah.  It is funny because we unintentionally named all of our children with "uh's" at the end of their names.  Micah has been such a sweet baby.  I have enjoyed him immensely!  Noah is our FUN packed little guy!  He is three years old now.  I am amazed to see how he is developing socially.  He attends preschool three days a week for only a few hours each day.  He is absolutely LOVING it!  I enjoy having those hours to myself with little guy and it gives me some time to do the errands.  Life with two young children is much different that one.  I enjoy the FULL feeling that I get when I am with both of them.  Noah adapted easily enough.  I was concerned simply because for nearly three whole years Noah was the center of our attention and affections.  Noah is gentle and loving with Micah.  I do wonder how the dynamics of our home will change once Bella and Elijah come home.  I know that Noah will enjoy having his older siblings to play with and keep him company.
It seems like this adoption has taken much longer than it has.  Although two years is quite a long time when you are waiting.  The last time that I held Bella and Elijah was November of 2008.  I really don't know when I will be able to hold them again.  I keep asking Father if they will be home by certain holidays or seasons... and each time that time rolls around I try not to get my feelings hurt by the disappointment.  It is getting more difficult each time.  When we decided to adopt Bella and Elijah we had no idea that it would have taken this long.  I don't mean to complain.. it is just that things don't seem settled yet.