Do you ever feel the bumps in the road?

I suppose that today has been one of those days of reflection for me.  I am not all to happy with what I am seeing.  Are blogs only supposed to be filled with happy encouraging moments, or are they supposed to be a record of "real life" as some say?  My husband leaves tomorrow for Haiti.  I am happy for him simply because he will be holding our children very soon.  Jason works so hard to provide for our family.  I don't know why I just said that...but he does.  It is not easy working for yourself.  It is satisfying because you make your own rules, you clock in and out when you want, and you basically determine how much you want to make.  It is also very difficult because you have to be self motivating regardless of how you feel, and you have to finesse everything even when you just want to scream, also waiting on money that you have already made really sucks.  I know that Jason gets discouraged with our buisness.  I just think that he has excellent work ethic and I wish that I was more like him in that arena.  I also know that Jason is sooooo extremely thankful that he has this buisness and he feels blessed in it.  I guess that I feel like that sometimes too.  As a mother, homemaker, wife... it sorta feels hum-drum, you know... not really extraordinary.  I know, I know... it is the most important job that there is.  It is just so day in and day out.  I am not complaining.  I am living my dream. Why is it that contentment is so difficult to achieve.  The Lord has given me exactly what I desired.  I don't understand myself sometimes.  I am living this life with everything that I desire and yet I feel like I should be doing more, be more.  Having those feelings rob my joy in the  now.  I attended bible college with the intent of doing mission work... I came two classes shy of graduating.  I quit.  I regret not finishing and have lost that opportunity.  I still feel this obligation... sometimes when I consider the mission field it seems so fulfilling... and then there are times like right now that it seems like an obligation.... something that I am supposed to do and never did fulfill.  Sometimes I grow so weary just looking at the needs.  I physically become tired and emotionally drained when I consider the needs of my friends on the mission field.  I feel like I should be doing something more... more... more... and I literally want to bury my face in the pillow and shut down.  I am not even the one on the field dealing with the issues!  This obligation as I am calling it right now seems like a weight tied to me and I drag it around wondering when it is going to make sense.  Like I said at times it seems like it would be so fulfilling to wake up everyday just to live for those around me... it is so cliche to say that.  I can't even seem to do that right here within my comfort zone.  I suppose that I am mullygrubbing... sulking.  In many ways I see myself as a failure.  I measure myself according to the enormous number of times that I have quit, or come short, and yes... failed.  I know in my head that I shouldn't, and I can hear my mother now telling me how much she admires me accomplishments.  I only wish that I could rest there.. be happy there... enjoy that right there.  Does Father really delight in me just as I am... even the parts that I hide and fake?  I am longing once again to feel Father wrap His arms around me.  I need His presence to make it!  I am ruined forever for anything less than His presence...