Today is a beautiful day. I am longing to be at the beach snorkeling or laying out, or playing in the waves. I woke up this morning at like 3:30am wide awake. I was thinking about the offenses that I have been dealing with lately. I know that it is silly, and probably rude to write about this... I just haven't quite gotten over it. I am an extremely passionate person, I love deeply, I care completely, and... blah blah blah... I am willing to let it go... chalk it up as a lesson learned.. I just wish that my wounded heart would follow suit.
I am missing my children so incredibly bad today. I look at the photos that I have hanging in my living room of them and I think to myself "when is this going to happen? How much longer God?" How is it that Father puts such a love and bond for these kiddos in my heart and then leaves it waning for so long. That scripture in Proverbs is so true... "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."
When my husband was there last month doing construction on the new building for my little girl to live in, Elijah asked him how long it would be before we came back. This question haunts me and breaks my heart. My little boy is longing for us too. My little girl hasn't seen her mama in almost a year. How do they feel? Do they understand? Financially we are not in the place to consider a visit anytime soon. I find my self fighting that bitter self pity when I hear of other families moving along in their adoption. I am thrilled at their joy and at the same time crushed. Bella and Elijah are not just random kids that are going to come live with me.... THEY ARE MY CHILDREN! C'mon! It is an amazing thing how Father knits things together. How He joins our hearts, how He makes us a family.
Father... I am begging You today...PLEASE... bring my children home soon. Make us ready.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
A glimpse at my goodbye...
I reread some of my journal entries last evening. I came across one that I want to share with my blog. My friend Natalie and I were on our way to say goodbye to our children after enjoying them for a week in
Port au Prince at a hotel....
....I sat there staring at my son, wondering myself at the wonder in his eyes. He looked out the windows of our mini bus obviously taking in the scenes outside. I thought about what his mind must be thinking... the question lingered but it was comfortable, not the uneasy questioning that seems to call on my every insecurity as a mother... no, this was to me my silent language with my son.
A caravan of U.N. vehicles started to drive by and I excitedly pointed them out to Elijah. He in return smiled broadly and said "WEE!" I watched as the U.N. vehicles drove by, proudly displaying the troops in full armor with huge guns hainging from their shoulders... I watched and pretended for a moment that I was Elijah seeing this for the first time. With that came the sobering reality that comes with being a mother... the unrest in Haiti was an insurmountable feat that one mother could not calm.
I was jolted back into the reality of the moment, and like a flood grief began to grab hold of me. I paniced that I wouldn't be able to "pull it off". I galnced over my shoulder at my two Haitian children sitting side by side... I could not allow my gaze to linger I was not the only one fighting the obvious. I was fighting all that seemed natural and good within myself. Elijah caught my eye and he was searching... and I know that he found his answer... yes, mama was broken hearted. I turned my head quickly trying to regain my composure. At this moment my babies were needing their mama to be strong and happy... cheerful. Somehow my devotion to them had to beat out the emotions rolling into my being. How? This was a sacrifice of love that I up to that moment had never understood.
Jostling along in that mini bus I listened to the sounds of exhaust from the engines of other vehicles and the frank intrusion of horns. With every turn and acceleration of that mini bus I became more aware that we were coming to the end of our vacation together. The desperation of the moment began to tear away at my thoughts and my heart seemed like it was being torn into hunks. I turned to Bella and Elijah. Noah was sitting on my lap. I dodged the searching eyes of my oldest and grabbed Bella's hand and then Elijah's hand. Istroked his small, slender fingers until the emotional wave of heartache again tried to sabbotage my efforts of love. Elijah gripped my hand. He does this sometimes as if to say "I'm here, I'm in the moment with you". With that we rounded a corner that would not allow me to sit comfortably with a toddler on my lap. I loosened my hands, and quickly regained my balance and composure. This distraction was as much a rescue as it was an irritation.
I glanced out the window and I recognized the landmarks of the airport. I remembered the excitement that I had felt seeing these reminders only one week earlier... now the familiar sights only worked to rub the already raw surface of my heart. As we entered the circle turn-about taking us to the small airport I choked down a sob that was rising in my throat. I had made it thus far and i was gonna make it all of the way. grief is a persistant contender but LOVE CONQUERS ALL!
Our driver was efficient and on time. I could not fault him for that, but the hope of a longer ride was over. Within moments my children were being escorted off of the mini bus along with their cousins. They were all shuffled together and lined up along with Pastor Andy in front of the enterance to the airport. I sensed the "changing of the guard"... and with that the ache to mother my children. My authority in their lives was transferred over to Pastor Andy and he was now telling them that it was time to go inside the airport. This crushing blow, although unintentional as it was, managed to be the last attempt at life to rob me of my expression of love to my children.
Things were moving to quickly. I rushed to my daughter and dropped to my knees and held her closely. I swallowed hard and the tears began to fill my eyes as I whispered in her ear "I love you Bella, have fun on the plane... I love you." I released her and looked into her eyes... she seemed unsure of how to react... tears were close by but she did not cry. I pulled Elijah to me and hugged him tightly. I said to him "I love you Elijah"... I straightened up and pretended to be a plane stretching my arms out and leaning from side to side I said "have fun" He looked at my face intensly... searching... I could see it... This was the moment to reveal my greatest sacrafice of love that I could offer... I smiled as big as I could and said "I LOVE YOU".... in return he smiled broadly and with a look of relief he began shuffling his way into the airport guiding his little sister along. I held my smile until the slow motion sensation of the moment sped back into the pace of reality... then with crushing speed the emotions that I had been avoiding and fighting up to that moment came and washed over me. I allowed the lump within my throat to rise and give way to the moan that only a broken heart can recognize.
Port au Prince at a hotel....
....I sat there staring at my son, wondering myself at the wonder in his eyes. He looked out the windows of our mini bus obviously taking in the scenes outside. I thought about what his mind must be thinking... the question lingered but it was comfortable, not the uneasy questioning that seems to call on my every insecurity as a mother... no, this was to me my silent language with my son.
A caravan of U.N. vehicles started to drive by and I excitedly pointed them out to Elijah. He in return smiled broadly and said "WEE!" I watched as the U.N. vehicles drove by, proudly displaying the troops in full armor with huge guns hainging from their shoulders... I watched and pretended for a moment that I was Elijah seeing this for the first time. With that came the sobering reality that comes with being a mother... the unrest in Haiti was an insurmountable feat that one mother could not calm.
I was jolted back into the reality of the moment, and like a flood grief began to grab hold of me. I paniced that I wouldn't be able to "pull it off". I galnced over my shoulder at my two Haitian children sitting side by side... I could not allow my gaze to linger I was not the only one fighting the obvious. I was fighting all that seemed natural and good within myself. Elijah caught my eye and he was searching... and I know that he found his answer... yes, mama was broken hearted. I turned my head quickly trying to regain my composure. At this moment my babies were needing their mama to be strong and happy... cheerful. Somehow my devotion to them had to beat out the emotions rolling into my being. How? This was a sacrifice of love that I up to that moment had never understood.
Jostling along in that mini bus I listened to the sounds of exhaust from the engines of other vehicles and the frank intrusion of horns. With every turn and acceleration of that mini bus I became more aware that we were coming to the end of our vacation together. The desperation of the moment began to tear away at my thoughts and my heart seemed like it was being torn into hunks. I turned to Bella and Elijah. Noah was sitting on my lap. I dodged the searching eyes of my oldest and grabbed Bella's hand and then Elijah's hand. Istroked his small, slender fingers until the emotional wave of heartache again tried to sabbotage my efforts of love. Elijah gripped my hand. He does this sometimes as if to say "I'm here, I'm in the moment with you". With that we rounded a corner that would not allow me to sit comfortably with a toddler on my lap. I loosened my hands, and quickly regained my balance and composure. This distraction was as much a rescue as it was an irritation.
I glanced out the window and I recognized the landmarks of the airport. I remembered the excitement that I had felt seeing these reminders only one week earlier... now the familiar sights only worked to rub the already raw surface of my heart. As we entered the circle turn-about taking us to the small airport I choked down a sob that was rising in my throat. I had made it thus far and i was gonna make it all of the way. grief is a persistant contender but LOVE CONQUERS ALL!
Our driver was efficient and on time. I could not fault him for that, but the hope of a longer ride was over. Within moments my children were being escorted off of the mini bus along with their cousins. They were all shuffled together and lined up along with Pastor Andy in front of the enterance to the airport. I sensed the "changing of the guard"... and with that the ache to mother my children. My authority in their lives was transferred over to Pastor Andy and he was now telling them that it was time to go inside the airport. This crushing blow, although unintentional as it was, managed to be the last attempt at life to rob me of my expression of love to my children.
Things were moving to quickly. I rushed to my daughter and dropped to my knees and held her closely. I swallowed hard and the tears began to fill my eyes as I whispered in her ear "I love you Bella, have fun on the plane... I love you." I released her and looked into her eyes... she seemed unsure of how to react... tears were close by but she did not cry. I pulled Elijah to me and hugged him tightly. I said to him "I love you Elijah"... I straightened up and pretended to be a plane stretching my arms out and leaning from side to side I said "have fun" He looked at my face intensly... searching... I could see it... This was the moment to reveal my greatest sacrafice of love that I could offer... I smiled as big as I could and said "I LOVE YOU".... in return he smiled broadly and with a look of relief he began shuffling his way into the airport guiding his little sister along. I held my smile until the slow motion sensation of the moment sped back into the pace of reality... then with crushing speed the emotions that I had been avoiding and fighting up to that moment came and washed over me. I allowed the lump within my throat to rise and give way to the moan that only a broken heart can recognize.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
slow evening
Only two and a half hours left before I leave to pick Jason up at the airport. I am looking forward to seeing him. The house doesn't feel the same without him. Noah is thrilled that his grammy and grampy are finally here. Micah is calm. Evenings are so quiet once the kids are in bed. I enjoy the silence of that hour or so before sleep comes to stake it's claim. I know that Jason is going to be ready for a hot shower and a soft bed with freshly laundered sheets. I look forward to hearing about his experiences in Haiti this trip. I have a feeling that it will have to wait until tomorrow. I am so tired that I could set the alarm to wake me to get there on time for pick up.
A few jewels...
Today is going to be a beautiful day. How does that ole song go that my mother used to sing to us as we were getting ready for the day.... "this is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it". My mother and Pop are coming to visit and should be here within the hour! I sit here at the breakfast table sipping my Hazlenut coffee with Hazlenut creamer... mmmmm... and chowing down on some Dunkin Doughnuts... a souvenier from New Orleans....what could be better?? I hear the shrill of the trumpet on Noah's Tom and Jerry show. Micah is letting me know that he is tired of lying on his playmat. Jason comes home tonite! I can hardly wait to kiss him and hold him I have missed him soooo much! It is amazing how much weight he pulled within our household... I didn't realize just how much he actually did until this week with him gone. Thanks babe! My heart is kinda heavy even in all of my excitement a joy... I have a dear friend that is hurting... wish that I could take the pain away... but I am not the one who is able to do that. I have wonderful friends and I love them immensely! Most of my friends live out of state and therefore I don't get to spend the kind of time with them that I would like... but our relationships continue to grow regardless of distance. I have tried to make friends here within my church. It is a strange thing to put yourself out there for the sake of making relationships with people. It had been so long since I have done that and I was literally nervous to do it. Talk about middle school! I remembered something that my youth pastor used to say to us from as he was teaching... "to make a friend you have to be a friend". So I guess that is where I started... for any of you that are wondering where to begin :) I joined a small group within our church body. We met once a week and I got to know a group of people that are very interesting and fun to be around. Some of those relationships are developing into friendships and I am glad for it. There have been some relatioships that just flat-lined... I sorta grieved over them at first. It sucks being dumped... and being dumped on is no joy ride either. I am learning that although God has made me in such a way that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open like that... it doesn't mean that I have to take the response of others to who I am so much at heart. I am learning that some relationships are only for a season and then there are some ... a few jewels... that last a lifetime. I am thankful for them both I suppose.
I traveled to New Orleans for a visit with a long time friend and cut some hair.... did a few foils... LOVED IT! I really enjoy being creative with hair. I enjoy watching people as they react o their hair when they finally get to see it... I do kitchen hair these days! It is especially enjoyable when they realize that they aren't wearing a hat or wig.... they actually get to go home with this amazing new do! I am not bragging.. that isn't me, but I just love doing hair and I am gifted with that ability. I wish that I could get some local friends to let me do their hair. It was fun for the kids too. We hit up the Children's Museum, the zoo, and for us... Urban Outfitters! I enjoyed the adult company too. I am ready for my hubby to come home. I can harldy wait to see the pictures on his camera of the kids! Wondering what the Lord is doing with us and Haiti.
I traveled to New Orleans for a visit with a long time friend and cut some hair.... did a few foils... LOVED IT! I really enjoy being creative with hair. I enjoy watching people as they react o their hair when they finally get to see it... I do kitchen hair these days! It is especially enjoyable when they realize that they aren't wearing a hat or wig.... they actually get to go home with this amazing new do! I am not bragging.. that isn't me, but I just love doing hair and I am gifted with that ability. I wish that I could get some local friends to let me do their hair. It was fun for the kids too. We hit up the Children's Museum, the zoo, and for us... Urban Outfitters! I enjoyed the adult company too. I am ready for my hubby to come home. I can harldy wait to see the pictures on his camera of the kids! Wondering what the Lord is doing with us and Haiti.
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