A glimpse at my goodbye...

I reread some of my journal entries last evening.  I came across one that I want to share with my blog.  My friend Natalie and I were on our way to say goodbye to our children after enjoying them for a week in
Port au Prince at a hotel....

....I sat there staring at my son, wondering myself at the wonder in his eyes.  He looked out the windows of our mini bus obviously taking in the scenes outside.  I thought about what his mind must be thinking... the question lingered but it was comfortable, not the uneasy questioning that seems to call on my every insecurity as a mother... no, this was to me my silent language with my son.

 A caravan of U.N. vehicles started to drive by and I excitedly pointed them out to Elijah.  He in return smiled broadly and said "WEE!"  I watched as the U.N. vehicles drove by, proudly displaying the troops in full armor with huge guns hainging from their shoulders... I watched and pretended for a moment that I was Elijah seeing this for the first time.  With that came the sobering reality that comes with being a mother... the unrest in Haiti was an insurmountable feat that one mother could not calm. 

I was jolted back into the reality of the moment, and like a flood grief began to grab hold of me.  I paniced that I wouldn't be able to "pull it off".  I galnced over my shoulder at my two Haitian children sitting side by side... I could not allow my gaze to linger I was not the only one fighting the obvious. I was fighting all that seemed natural and good within myself.  Elijah caught my eye and he was searching... and I know that he found his answer... yes, mama was broken hearted.  I turned my head quickly trying to regain my composure.  At this moment my babies were needing their mama to be strong and happy... cheerful.  Somehow my devotion to them had to beat out the emotions rolling into my being.  How?  This was a sacrifice of love that I up to that moment had never understood. 

Jostling along in that mini bus I listened to the sounds of exhaust from the engines of other vehicles and the frank intrusion of horns.  With every turn and acceleration of that mini bus I became more aware that we were coming to the end of our vacation together.  The desperation of the moment began to tear away at my thoughts and my heart seemed like it was being torn into hunks.  I turned to Bella and Elijah.  Noah was sitting on my lap.  I dodged the searching eyes of my oldest and grabbed Bella's hand and then Elijah's hand.  Istroked his small, slender fingers until the emotional wave of heartache again tried to sabbotage my efforts of love.  Elijah gripped my hand.  He does this sometimes as if to say "I'm here, I'm in the moment with you".  With that we rounded a corner that would not allow me to sit comfortably with a toddler on my lap. I loosened my hands, and quickly regained my balance and composure.  This distraction was as much a rescue as it was an irritation. 

I glanced out the window and I recognized the landmarks of the airport.  I remembered the excitement  that I had felt seeing these reminders only one week earlier... now the familiar sights only worked to rub the already raw surface of my heart.  As we entered the circle turn-about taking us to the small airport I choked down a sob that was rising in my throat.  I had made it thus far and i was gonna make it all of the way.  grief is a persistant contender but LOVE CONQUERS ALL! 

Our driver was efficient and on time.  I could not fault him for that, but the hope of a longer ride was over.  Within moments my children were being escorted off of the mini bus along with their cousins.  They were all shuffled together and lined up along with Pastor Andy in front of the enterance to the airport.  I sensed the "changing of the guard"... and with that the ache to mother my children.  My authority in their lives was transferred over to Pastor Andy and he was now telling them that it was time to go inside the airport.  This crushing blow, although unintentional as it was, managed to be the last attempt at life to rob me of my expression of love to my children. 

Things were moving to quickly.  I rushed to my daughter and dropped to my knees and held her closely.  I swallowed hard and the tears began to fill my eyes as I whispered in her ear "I love you Bella, have fun on the plane... I love you."  I released her and looked into her eyes... she seemed unsure of how to react... tears were close by but she did not cry.  I pulled Elijah to me and hugged him tightly.  I said to him "I love you Elijah"... I straightened up and pretended to be a plane stretching my arms out and leaning from side to side I said "have fun"  He looked at my face intensly... searching... I could see it...  This was the moment to reveal my greatest sacrafice of love that I could offer... I smiled as big as I could and said "I LOVE YOU".... in return he smiled broadly and with a look of relief he began shuffling his way into the airport guiding his little sister along.  I held my smile until the slow motion sensation of the moment sped back into the pace of reality... then with crushing speed the emotions that I had been avoiding and fighting up to that moment came and washed over me. I allowed the lump within my throat to rise and give way to the moan that only a broken heart can recognize.