The breaking

I am feeling very lonely tonite. Missing peace, contentment, and joy. There have been so many battles going on in our lives. When I reflect on the last year the pictures that come to mind are documentary style photographs of men in arms behind bunkers in a full scale battle, bombs going off shots firing and panic. Most if the time these pictures aren't even in color. Many don't understand the level of fatigue that my husband and I have been existing in. I don't really try to talk about it with anybody anymore, nobody wants to hear that anyways. This is my blog, my thoughts, my chance to express it. I still have hope, and faith. Two very powerful perspectives. I can certainly relate to much of David's poetry in the Bible. His words have brought me comfort and given voice to my feelings when my words didn't seem adequate. How long oh God?? Though it seems like I would want to be the judge and jury, God has assured me that I would not wish for such a position. He knows the beginning and end, not me. He is confusing and great. He is a judge, full of mercy and compassion. He builds up and tears down. Father, there is no one who can do what what must be done, You hold all of our future within Your hands. I am nothing, You are all. You see my inside, my deepest secrets, my darkest thoughts, You know me inside and out. Who am I that You should even turn my way. Still I must ask for You, because You are all, there is no hope outside of you. You are the foundation of this faith. I am broken pottery, useless, and unfit. You are the master potter. Make me ready, use me God. Redeem what You will, shape me as You desire. Forgive my fighting, calm my fears. Let me know Your here, let me know that You see, You hear, You are present with me, and are for me. When all others have turned aside, please hold me close.

Chosen

I just heard Jason Upton sing Father to the Fatherless. Wow. His story is an incredible story of God's heart toward His children. Being adopted doesn't mean that you are loved less than, it means that you were chosen. I have been adopted into God's family. I am not Jewish, I didn't receive my birthright through my decendants, my birthright with God came through Jesus Christ making a way for me to be adopted into God's family. Jesus Christ made a way for me to be able to approach Father God. Wow. Chosen.

My Blog, My Thoughts...

This is my blog, so it is full of my thoughts, and my life. I am tired about being worried of what others will think, or if someone is going to try to use my words against me. This whole nightmare concerning my adopted children from Haiti, and the abuse that they have suffered has certainly taken it's toll on many parents who have suffered ridicule and scorn from others who don't understand. I am one of those parents. Hearing my children give details of the horrifying abuse that they endured while in the care of "missionaries" claiming to be a family was crushing. What can I do, how can I help them, how can I hold the people who did these things accountable for their actions? Just a number of thoughts that run through my mind constantly. I am a loving mother. I have never seen myself as someone who would struggle with hate until now. I have found myself hating the people who broke my baby girl, and humiliated my son. Forgiveness is so far out of range that for now it is only an idea that I know I must someday come face to face with.
Not only have these men devastated the lives of these precious children, but they go on denying it, implying that the children are lying. It is crazy to me that some have even said that all of these children are speaking out of some demonic possession due to the VooDoo culture that exists in Haiti! I can't believe that anybody in their right mind would actually believe something so ridiculous in exchange of facing the reality that perhaps the men who did these things were actually capable of something so horrendous.
It was difficult for me to wrap my mind around all of this when I first learned of each person involved.  I found it especially difficult to deal with concerning the one who I had called my friend and had considered like family. It was painful for me to realize that I never saw it over all of the years of our friendship. The complete betrayal, and violent attack on innocent children, my children... How could I process this? It is still difficult for me.
My pursuit for justice is all that I can offer my children. It will take God Himself to fix and heal my daughter and son. I am doing what any loving parent would do if their children were to come to them and share with them the things that my children have shared with me. It is ridiculous that I should feel like I have to defend myself, my actions, my motives. Yet I find myself doing just that.  I know it is because of the resistance that I have faced along the way from others who either don't believe these children, or they simply don't  know the truth.
Some might say "these things happened in Haiti, move on."  But "these things" have perverted and distorted the minds of my children.  It is impossible for them to simply move on. They need healing. My daughter didn't understand what a dad was until she came home, and she is still learning that just because someone calls themselves "Dad" doesn't mean that they represent what that means. A "Dad" doesn't rape and molest little girls! These men who abused so many children have debased the titles and very foundation of what family really is. So we have had to start from the very beginning, showing our children that a daddy loves his kids appropriately, a daddy snuggles his children safely and never violates that. A mom doesn't turn her eye to the needs of her children, or to the cries of her children... Not this mama. 
I have carried the frustration of not knowing what was happening down in Haiti at that "mission" when it was happening.  I have hated that I could do nothing to stop the abuse. I have said all along, since I have found out what had happened, that I may not have been able to stop what was happening, I may not have been able to protect my children then, but my children WILL KNOW that I have done EVERYTHING that I can to bring them justice and set things right! They will look back when they are adults and say "my mom heard me, she believed me, and she fought as hard as she could for me". In the end that is what matters most to me.

Lily

I am nearly in my last trimester of pregnancy. This time around has been very different from the last two pregnancies. I have not had much time to focus on my baby or myself. On the one hand it is good because I have been so busy that time has flown, on the other hand I have really neglected my health and have suffered the consequences. This is my first baby girl. I have just recently begun purchasing some things for her. Shopping for a baby girl is soooo much more fun than shopping for a baby boy! Tutu's, headbands, dresses, floral prints!!! I am excited for her arrival. I wonder if she will look like me, or if she will favor one of her brothers. Will she have hair, what color will her eyes be, will she have her daddies feet? This is my happy place in the midst of the storms of my life. God knew what He was doing giving me something so wonderful to look forward to.

Patience

Patience isn't only a lesson in my life, it is the theme and steady rhythm. My mom used to tell me often that I lacked patience. I smile. I have found that to be true, as much as I hate to admit such a weakness. Funny, God has a way of creating circumstances to work stuff like that in you even when you resist. Mom is right, she usually is. Not only has patience been my weakness but double that with the spit-fire spirit that God made me with and often times it can turn into something quite unsavory. My heart is tender, my intentions true, but the delivery..... Sigh...
Patience...

Christian or believer, this is the question.

The latest dilemma in my thought life is how does our story, our life telling come across to people who have no relationship with God?
Here are men who have chosen to hurt innocent children under the guise of a missionaries, under the cover of the church establishment. This is something that is disgusting in the eyes of God and man alike. It is a gross misrepresentation of what church should be. So much so that I would say that these men never were representatives of the Body of Christ. If they were than the church is in a much worse position than I ever imagined. In that same vein concerning the positioning of the church I have still found that as a whole it has not responded in the way that represents the heart of God for His children.
It should most definitely be noted that the men who abused these children were not ambassadors for Christ as they claimed to be. They were wolves in sheep clothing, frauds, and cons. However, the church and her response to the evidence and testimony of so many children is also not a fair representation of Christ.
I have a sweet friend who is especially concerned with how the church is being portrayed in all of this. I agree with her concern.
I do not have an excuse for what my family has experienced as a whole from the church. I have experienced well known leaders in the church ridicule me for my strong stance in all of this, they feel that I should be quiet, that I haven't acted in a "Christian way", that I have caused more problems by being so vocal. The real problem is, I should not have had to be the one shouting it out.  These leaders should have immediately taken that role of whistle blower and dealt with these so called ministers.
It started with a phone call to the "missionary" in charge, I got nowhere. Then I and another couple went to the organization that adjudicates all matters concerning Lashbrook Family Ministries and still there was no accountability or correction for the decisions and actions of these men. The authorities were also notified. The only option that was left to bring out the truth and some present accountability for the actions of these child abusers was to write letters declaring the truth of what has happened and what our children have been telling us. Ironically, shortly after those letters were sent the mission sending organization requested that their "missionary" take a sabatical. 
It is quite unbelievable that we have not been received with empathy, and sincere compassion from these leaders within the church. I am confused. There are some leaders within the church who have shown great concern for our families and even tried to correct the situation. Those who have chosen to scorn the parents who have taken a stand are louder in their protest. There is a clear line drawn, and the stance of the church is very divided. Why?
Has Christianity turned into a title, a badge that someone puts on when they attend church regularly and believe that God exists? Or is it a mandate to live by? If it is not Christian to root out gross sin, and men who do it, if it is not Christian to blow the whistle on a men who are raping and molesting children under the guise of ministry, if it not Christian to expect accountability and correction from leaders within the church establishment, if it is not Christian to speak the truth when no one else will then I choose to be called a Believer of Jesus and you can keep your badge. Truth hurts sometimes, and often times doesn't come gently when it has been resisted for so long.
I am no saint, I have seen an ugliness in my heart many times throughout this nightmare but I do not believe I have acted inappropriately. I love Jesus, and I love His children especially the small ones. I dare say that if Jesus were walking the earth in bodily form right now, and He was the one defending these children we would have been terrified with the severity of His response.
Justice IS coming, and truth WILL prevail, light WILL shine on all of this darkness, and healing IS coming.

HE won!

I had no idea that Jason would win that competition when I wrote that letter nominating him!  What an honor and adventure for my husband!  He got the ride of a lifetime in the cockpit of a Thunderbird jet!  He rode for an hour breaking the speed of light, pulling 9G's, looping, flipping, and darting in and out of clouds!  I could not havebeen more proud of my husband.  He is my hero, my lover, and my best friend.
http://www.eglin.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123195619#.TtJ6nqHQPJM.email

http://www.eglin.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123199060#.TtJ60E11pmk.email

The letter that I wrote nominating Jason as my Hometown Hero, and a chance to ride with the Thunderbirds! DATED FEB. 22, 2010

 I would like to nominate my husband Jason Evans for the "Hometown
Hero".  Jason is a true Pensacola native as he was born and raised here in
Pensacola, Florida.  Earlier this month he was given the opportunity to fly
into Port de Paix, Haiti with the intent of transporting 41 orphans and 17
adults to the U.S. Embassy. Two days and three countries after he flew out
of Pensacola, Florida he arrived in Port de Paix, Haiti on a supply plane.
This was a truly heroic act because not only did he go in the face of danger
due to the earthquakes and aftershocks, but he also escorted these children
(who qualified for Humanitarian Parole) through the mountains of Haiti into
Port au Prince. They traveled under the cover of night in an old school bus
and managed to arrive safely at the U.S. Embassy. The terrain was an
adversary on it's own standing because it was great for mud-riding or hiking
but not at all for traveling. Jason describes the bus ride as "the worst
roller coaster ride times twenty".  The driver of the bus did not stop for 6
hours and they went from 10mph to 55mph constantly.  He also faced the
dangers of kidnapping and robbery with courage and grit.  A bus load of
Americans and children with a mandate for travel to the United States was
money in the eyes of a desperate people.  We later found out that the
adoption paperwork that they carried with them was worth more to some than
the lives of these children.  In fact, when it came time for these children
and adults to fly out into America at the U.S. Embassy they were given armed
guards for protection simply because of the valuable paperwork that they
were carrying.  Apparently the safety of the passengers was the reason for
the dramatic acceleration of the bus because there were several courageous
(or stupid) men who managed to jump on the back of the bus.  Thank God that
their intentions were never made known but I am sure that they soon forgot
all of that as they realized that they were holding on for their lives!
Upon arrival to the U.S. Embassy Jason became very ill.  He took that trial
with as much grace as was possible as he waited for word that he was cleared
for travel back to the United States.  He is my hero and the hero of our two
adopted children that he brought home with him.  I believe that he
exemplifies the courage, love, endurance, wisdom, and grace that any hero
should.  Please allow him to be honored with the ride of a lifetime, trust
me he would LOVE it! Thank you.

The letter announcing the arrival of our two kiddo's DATED FEB.15, 2010

Hello Everybody!!

 

I have been sooooo looking forward to writing this letter!  I am very happy to announce that Bella and Elijah are home!  This past month has been an absolute whirlwind.  A little over one month ago Jason and I were devastated with the news of the earthquake that shook Haiti.  We had no idea then that out of such tragedy God would give us the miracle of our children coming home.  We were sick over the realization that all of our efforts and all of the waiting was sitting underneath the rubble of what once was the building holding our paperwork.  I felt absolutely helpless.  The only hope that I had was the promise that these children were chosen by God for us, and that was enough.  I began the arduous task of contacting Senators, Congressmen, Governors, even the White House trying to figure out what I could do to get help to my family in Haiti.

    Within weeks of the earthquake the United States implemented Humanitarian Parole for children who were in the process of adoption before the earthquake.  That would give my children permission to come to the USA without the need of Visa's or even a completed adoption!  WHAT A MIRACLE!  With the revelation of this amazing news I quickly began contacting everybody who was anybody in an effort to extract my children from Haiti.  I soon realized that although there was a mandate to allow my children entry into the United States it was not going to come easily.  Our stateside coordinator Natalie and a handful of parents were able to secure a chartered plane into Port de Paix, Haiti.  They went in with the intent to prepare the hundreds of pages of adoption paperwork that Cindy and Keith (the mission directors) had made copies of.  Thank God that they had the forethought to make copies!  It took that team over a week to get everything in order to present to the officials at the US Embassy. 

    Then came the call for a team of five strong daddies to come in and help bring the children through the mountains of Haiti to Port au Prince where the US Embassy still stands.  I received an email from a dear friend offering Jason the opportunity to go all expenses paid!  Of course Jason jumped at the opportunity and he flew out the very next day along with 4 other fathers and one brave woman.  I tear up even now thinking about my heroic husband.  He truly is a hero.  Two days and three countries later that team arrived in Port de Paix on a supply plane.     

Our children were very surprised to see their daddy.  Jason tells me that he took Elijah's face in his hands and looked him straight in the eyes and said "Son, this time I will not leave without you."  Beautiful. 

    Keith secured a bus that arrived at the mission around 3:00 in the morning.  They loaded 41 children and 17 adults onto that 'ole bus and began the journey through the mountains of Haiti.  Jason tells me that there really aren't any words to describe the hellish ride that they had.  He says that it was like the worst roller-coaster ride times twenty!  They did not stop because a bus full of children and Americans was money in the eyes of a desperate people.  The driver went from 10 mph to 55 mph over terrain that was great for mud riding or hiking... not driving. Jason says that he heard five pieces of metal fall off that bus during their travels.  Apparently the safety of the passengers was the reason for the dramatic acceleration of the bus because there were several courageous (or stupid) men who managed to jump on the back of the bus.  Who knows what their intentions were but I am sure that they soon forgot all of that as they realized that they were holding on for their lives!  The bus made the 120 mile journey through the mountains in about 6 hours.  Our Haiti family made it to the U.S. Embassy Saturday morning.  

     In the meantime I had traveled from Pensacola to Tampa with my two youngest boys and waited to hear word from Jason that they were flying into Miami. I wanted to be closer to the airport that they would be flying into so that it would not take me too long to pick them up.  I ended up waiting longer then I had anticipated, but I was able to spend time with my daddy and sisters.  Noah fell in love with his "Papa" and frequently asks me when we can go see him again. 

    While waiting in the U.S. Embassy Jason became very ill, he describes it as his "day of rest" tongue in cheek.  Finally, the Prime Minister signed the travel documents allowing the group that my children and husband were in to come out of Haiti.  With every triumph there has been some sort of test following... even to the very end.  They were able to secure a military plane out, but that plane ended up having major mechanical problems and they had to wait one more day before the final flight out was secured. 

     I FINALLY got word that they were flying out on Tuesday.  I was incredibly anxious to get my hands on my children and hold my husband.  I drove to Miami and awaited the morning like a child trying to sleep the night before Christmas.  I arrived at His House (the safe home for the children coming out of Haiti) 30 minutes before I was supposed to and I waited, and waited.  I have learned a great deal of patience through this, not always happily... thanks mom for praying.  Finally Jason came in the waiting room, he was literally 10lbs lighter... but I have to say that he never looked so good to me. 

    A woman came in reading off a roster.  She asked us to raise our hands if we heard the name of our child.  She read BellaVisa and I shot my hand up and hollered "She's mine!"  There were about 9 children on that list.  The woman smiled at me and said "We are getting pictures of your children and getting ready to bring them out to you.  You will sign some paperwork and then you will be released to go."  My eyes filled with tears, after all of this time, after all of the hardships it was going to be that easy.  My body began to tremble as I waited to see my children.  I could not sit still. I was a little nervous that the people working there was going to think that I was some sort of freak because I kept looking in every direction in anticipation of them coming in.. I had no idea which direction that they would be coming from.  Then I saw them round the corner.  They looked just as nervous and anxious as me.  I drop to my knee and yelled "Elijah, Bella!"  They saw me and walked quickly to me with their arms outstretched, big smiles on their sweet little faces!  We hugged and hugged, I wept the happiest tears!  Elijah stroked my hair and told me that he loved me, kissing my face.  It was an amazing moment.  When Noah saw Elijah he ran to him and said"I love you brother". Elijah pulled him into his lap and said "I love you too Noah."  With in about 30 minutes I was signing the paperwork and we were walking out of that building with all of our children!  That was the most liberating feeling. 

    We are adjusting well... I like to say that we are learning to "gel".  We are a normal family dealing with all of the normal things that families do.  I love my children, all of them.  I am looking forward to experiencing all of their first time experiences.  We were able to take them shopping for clothes and that was so sweet watching Bella skip from dress rack to dress rack squealing "Mama LOOK!"  We signed Elijah up for soccer and Jason is going to be his coach!  Noah loves having his brother and sister to play with.  The simple things make me smile, like Bella dancing in the warm shower and Elijah consistently saying thank you and giving me a hug after every meal.  I praise God for His GREAT FAITHFULNESS!  Thank you for all of your prayers and support.  I have included some pictures from the first moments seeing them in America.  Please continue to pray as we gel.  We love you. 

Thank God 2010 is over...

2010 ushered in one of the most life altering seasons that I have experienced yet, and it has stayed true to the course. The nation of Haiti suffered the earthquake at the very beginning of the year. We had no idea if our children were safe, or alive. Within 24 hours I found out that they were safe. The journey really began here, I didn't know it then but the earthquake would be the catalyst that would bring our children home to us. Finally, our government implemented Humanitarian Parole for our children this allowed us to bring them home and complete our adoption here stateside. A dream come true!