We have decided that we are going to try and go to Haiti over Christmas to be with our other two children.  I am missing them so much.  I look at photos of them and I can only stare.  I wonder how much longer it will be that we have to wait.  I am going to need to get Micah's passport going.  I won't leave the kids behind again.  Noah asks about his brother and sister.  He says that we have to "save our monies and dowwers so that we can go in a helwicopper" to see them.

snuggles

I awoke to my three year old son climbing into the bed with me.  I am not sure what time it was but I know that it was still dark outside.  I felt the soft, cotton like texture of his hair against my face as he slid in next to me for snuggles.  This time however, he was determined to be the one dishing the snuggles out.  I let the inward wishing that all of this goodness could be happening at least an hour later go.  I relaxed in the moment understanding that a boy is a boy is a boy... and has energy to spare.  He rolled over facing me now.  I could not see his face but I knew that he was near.. I could feel his hot breath fanning my face with each new exhale.  My little guy, inwardly I smiled.  I remembered how it felt when he was just a baby.  Noah has always been a snuggler.  My thoughts interrupted once again with Noah's next move.  He leaned up onto my chest, leaned foward and planted a kiss right on my lips and said "I wuv you mom".  My heart gushed with pride and affection.  "I love you too son".  Then he gingerly leaned over once again and said "your beautiful".  AHHHHHhhhhhh... I love this life... I love my son.

Still waiting...

I am expecting some news about our adoptions soon.  I love reading all of the updates from other parents in the process of adopting from Haiti.  I just read one which brought tears to my eyes as I experienced that family FINALLY bringing their little guy home.  I can only imagine how wonderful that was!  I think about it often... wonder how the kids will feel when they realize that they are finally coming home to be with us forever.  I wonder how they will feel when they realize that flying on that plane!  I wonder what they will think as they eat their first cheese burger in America!  I wonder how they will feel the first time that they snuggle into their beds in their own home.  I wonder how they will feel when they get to eat at the table with the whole family TOGETHER!  Father, You know how badly I miss them... You know the timing... Make us ready.

Hope Deferred...

Today is a beautiful day.  I am longing to be at the beach snorkeling or laying out, or playing in the waves.  I woke up this morning at like 3:30am wide awake.  I was thinking about the offenses that I have been dealing with lately.  I know that it is silly, and probably rude to write about this... I just haven't quite gotten over it.  I am an extremely passionate person, I love deeply, I care completely, and... blah blah blah... I am willing to let it go... chalk it up as a lesson learned.. I just wish that my wounded heart would follow suit. 

I am missing my children so incredibly bad today.  I look at the photos that I have hanging in my living room of them and I think to myself "when is this going to happen? How much longer God?"  How is it that Father puts such a love and bond for these kiddos in my heart and then leaves it waning for so long.  That scripture in Proverbs is so true... "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." 

When my husband was there last month doing construction on the new building for my little girl to live in, Elijah asked him how long it would be before we came back.  This question haunts me and breaks my heart.  My little boy is longing for us too.  My little girl hasn't seen her mama in almost  a year.  How do they feel?  Do they understand?  Financially we are not in the place to consider a visit anytime soon.  I find my self fighting that bitter self pity when I hear of other families moving along in their adoption.  I am thrilled at their joy and at the same time crushed.  Bella and Elijah are  not just random kids that are going to come live with me.... THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!  C'mon!  It is an amazing thing how Father knits things together.  How He joins our hearts, how He makes us a family. 

Father... I am begging You today...PLEASE... bring my children home soon.  Make us ready.

A glimpse at my goodbye...

I reread some of my journal entries last evening.  I came across one that I want to share with my blog.  My friend Natalie and I were on our way to say goodbye to our children after enjoying them for a week in
Port au Prince at a hotel....

....I sat there staring at my son, wondering myself at the wonder in his eyes.  He looked out the windows of our mini bus obviously taking in the scenes outside.  I thought about what his mind must be thinking... the question lingered but it was comfortable, not the uneasy questioning that seems to call on my every insecurity as a mother... no, this was to me my silent language with my son.

 A caravan of U.N. vehicles started to drive by and I excitedly pointed them out to Elijah.  He in return smiled broadly and said "WEE!"  I watched as the U.N. vehicles drove by, proudly displaying the troops in full armor with huge guns hainging from their shoulders... I watched and pretended for a moment that I was Elijah seeing this for the first time.  With that came the sobering reality that comes with being a mother... the unrest in Haiti was an insurmountable feat that one mother could not calm. 

I was jolted back into the reality of the moment, and like a flood grief began to grab hold of me.  I paniced that I wouldn't be able to "pull it off".  I galnced over my shoulder at my two Haitian children sitting side by side... I could not allow my gaze to linger I was not the only one fighting the obvious. I was fighting all that seemed natural and good within myself.  Elijah caught my eye and he was searching... and I know that he found his answer... yes, mama was broken hearted.  I turned my head quickly trying to regain my composure.  At this moment my babies were needing their mama to be strong and happy... cheerful.  Somehow my devotion to them had to beat out the emotions rolling into my being.  How?  This was a sacrifice of love that I up to that moment had never understood. 

Jostling along in that mini bus I listened to the sounds of exhaust from the engines of other vehicles and the frank intrusion of horns.  With every turn and acceleration of that mini bus I became more aware that we were coming to the end of our vacation together.  The desperation of the moment began to tear away at my thoughts and my heart seemed like it was being torn into hunks.  I turned to Bella and Elijah.  Noah was sitting on my lap.  I dodged the searching eyes of my oldest and grabbed Bella's hand and then Elijah's hand.  Istroked his small, slender fingers until the emotional wave of heartache again tried to sabbotage my efforts of love.  Elijah gripped my hand.  He does this sometimes as if to say "I'm here, I'm in the moment with you".  With that we rounded a corner that would not allow me to sit comfortably with a toddler on my lap. I loosened my hands, and quickly regained my balance and composure.  This distraction was as much a rescue as it was an irritation. 

I glanced out the window and I recognized the landmarks of the airport.  I remembered the excitement  that I had felt seeing these reminders only one week earlier... now the familiar sights only worked to rub the already raw surface of my heart.  As we entered the circle turn-about taking us to the small airport I choked down a sob that was rising in my throat.  I had made it thus far and i was gonna make it all of the way.  grief is a persistant contender but LOVE CONQUERS ALL! 

Our driver was efficient and on time.  I could not fault him for that, but the hope of a longer ride was over.  Within moments my children were being escorted off of the mini bus along with their cousins.  They were all shuffled together and lined up along with Pastor Andy in front of the enterance to the airport.  I sensed the "changing of the guard"... and with that the ache to mother my children.  My authority in their lives was transferred over to Pastor Andy and he was now telling them that it was time to go inside the airport.  This crushing blow, although unintentional as it was, managed to be the last attempt at life to rob me of my expression of love to my children. 

Things were moving to quickly.  I rushed to my daughter and dropped to my knees and held her closely.  I swallowed hard and the tears began to fill my eyes as I whispered in her ear "I love you Bella, have fun on the plane... I love you."  I released her and looked into her eyes... she seemed unsure of how to react... tears were close by but she did not cry.  I pulled Elijah to me and hugged him tightly.  I said to him "I love you Elijah"... I straightened up and pretended to be a plane stretching my arms out and leaning from side to side I said "have fun"  He looked at my face intensly... searching... I could see it...  This was the moment to reveal my greatest sacrafice of love that I could offer... I smiled as big as I could and said "I LOVE YOU".... in return he smiled broadly and with a look of relief he began shuffling his way into the airport guiding his little sister along.  I held my smile until the slow motion sensation of the moment sped back into the pace of reality... then with crushing speed the emotions that I had been avoiding and fighting up to that moment came and washed over me. I allowed the lump within my throat to rise and give way to the moan that only a broken heart can recognize.

slow evening

Only two and a half hours left before I leave to pick Jason up at the airport.  I am looking forward to seeing him.  The house doesn't feel the same without him.  Noah is thrilled that his grammy and grampy are finally here.  Micah is calm.  Evenings are so quiet once the kids are in bed.  I enjoy the silence of that hour or so before sleep comes to stake it's claim.  I know that Jason is going to be ready for a hot shower and a soft bed with freshly laundered sheets.  I look forward to hearing about his experiences in Haiti this trip.  I have a feeling that it will have to wait until tomorrow.  I am so tired that I could set the alarm to wake me to get there on time for pick up.

A few jewels...

Today is going to be a beautiful day.  How does that ole song go that my mother used to sing to us as we were getting ready for the day.... "this is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it".  My mother and Pop are coming to visit and should be here within the hour!  I sit here at the breakfast table sipping my Hazlenut coffee with Hazlenut creamer... mmmmm... and chowing down on some Dunkin Doughnuts... a souvenier from New Orleans....what could be better?? I hear the shrill of the trumpet on Noah's Tom and Jerry show.  Micah is letting me know that he is tired of lying on his playmat. Jason comes home tonite!  I can hardly wait to kiss him and hold him I have missed him soooo much!  It is amazing how much weight he pulled within our household... I didn't realize just how much he actually did until this week with him gone.  Thanks babe!  My heart is kinda heavy even in all of my excitement a joy... I have a dear friend that is hurting... wish that I could take the pain away... but I am not the one who is able to do that.  I have wonderful friends and I love them immensely!  Most of my friends live out of state and therefore I don't get to spend the kind of time with them that I would like... but our relationships continue to grow regardless of distance.  I have tried to make friends here within my church.  It is a strange thing to put yourself out there for the sake of making  relationships with people.  It had been so long since I have done that and I was literally nervous to do it. Talk about middle school!  I remembered something that my youth pastor used to say to us from as he was teaching... "to make a friend you have to be a friend".  So I guess that is where I started... for any of you that are wondering where to begin :) I joined a small group within our church body.  We met once a week and I got to know a group of people that are very interesting and fun to be around.  Some of those relationships are developing into friendships and I am glad for it.  There have been some relatioships that just flat-lined... I sorta grieved over them at first.  It sucks being dumped... and being dumped on is no joy ride either.  I am learning that although God has made me in such a way that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open like that... it doesn't mean that I have to take the response of others to who I am so much at heart.  I am learning that some relationships are only for a season and then there are some ... a few jewels... that last a lifetime.  I am thankful for them both I suppose.
I traveled to New Orleans for a visit with a long time friend and cut some hair.... did a few foils... LOVED IT!  I really enjoy being creative with hair.  I enjoy watching people as they react o their hair when they finally get to see it... I do kitchen hair these days!  It is especially enjoyable when they realize that they aren't wearing a hat or wig.... they actually get to go home with this amazing new do!  I am not bragging.. that isn't me, but I just love doing hair and I am gifted with that ability.  I wish that I could get some local friends to let me do their hair.  It was fun for the kids too.  We hit up the Children's Museum, the zoo, and for us... Urban Outfitters!  I enjoyed the adult company too.  I am ready for my hubby to come home.  I can harldy wait to see the pictures on his camera of the kids!  Wondering what the Lord is doing with us and Haiti.

Do you ever feel the bumps in the road?

I suppose that today has been one of those days of reflection for me.  I am not all to happy with what I am seeing.  Are blogs only supposed to be filled with happy encouraging moments, or are they supposed to be a record of "real life" as some say?  My husband leaves tomorrow for Haiti.  I am happy for him simply because he will be holding our children very soon.  Jason works so hard to provide for our family.  I don't know why I just said that...but he does.  It is not easy working for yourself.  It is satisfying because you make your own rules, you clock in and out when you want, and you basically determine how much you want to make.  It is also very difficult because you have to be self motivating regardless of how you feel, and you have to finesse everything even when you just want to scream, also waiting on money that you have already made really sucks.  I know that Jason gets discouraged with our buisness.  I just think that he has excellent work ethic and I wish that I was more like him in that arena.  I also know that Jason is sooooo extremely thankful that he has this buisness and he feels blessed in it.  I guess that I feel like that sometimes too.  As a mother, homemaker, wife... it sorta feels hum-drum, you know... not really extraordinary.  I know, I know... it is the most important job that there is.  It is just so day in and day out.  I am not complaining.  I am living my dream. Why is it that contentment is so difficult to achieve.  The Lord has given me exactly what I desired.  I don't understand myself sometimes.  I am living this life with everything that I desire and yet I feel like I should be doing more, be more.  Having those feelings rob my joy in the  now.  I attended bible college with the intent of doing mission work... I came two classes shy of graduating.  I quit.  I regret not finishing and have lost that opportunity.  I still feel this obligation... sometimes when I consider the mission field it seems so fulfilling... and then there are times like right now that it seems like an obligation.... something that I am supposed to do and never did fulfill.  Sometimes I grow so weary just looking at the needs.  I physically become tired and emotionally drained when I consider the needs of my friends on the mission field.  I feel like I should be doing something more... more... more... and I literally want to bury my face in the pillow and shut down.  I am not even the one on the field dealing with the issues!  This obligation as I am calling it right now seems like a weight tied to me and I drag it around wondering when it is going to make sense.  Like I said at times it seems like it would be so fulfilling to wake up everyday just to live for those around me... it is so cliche to say that.  I can't even seem to do that right here within my comfort zone.  I suppose that I am mullygrubbing... sulking.  In many ways I see myself as a failure.  I measure myself according to the enormous number of times that I have quit, or come short, and yes... failed.  I know in my head that I shouldn't, and I can hear my mother now telling me how much she admires me accomplishments.  I only wish that I could rest there.. be happy there... enjoy that right there.  Does Father really delight in me just as I am... even the parts that I hide and fake?  I am longing once again to feel Father wrap His arms around me.  I need His presence to make it!  I am ruined forever for anything less than His presence...

Brothers

Micah 3 months and Noah 3 years

Still Waiting..

I can't believe that I left my blog unattended for sooo long!  I have had a baby boy since my last update, and of course Jack has gone from puppy to official "dog".  Our adoptions continue to drag on in IBESR.  These days feel like I am waiting... always waiting.  It is difficult for me to happily wait while my two children in Haiti continue to grow and develope without my care.  I am thankful however, because they are in such wonderful care with the family that they do have there in Haiti.  Jason (my husband) is going into Haiti this week.... I am so jealous.  He is traveling with some other men to help with the construction of a new orphanage.  I hate saying orphanage.  It seems cruel to me.  I would much prefer to call it the mission.  Oh my...
My newborn is almost 4 months old.  We named him Micah.  It is funny because we unintentionally named all of our children with "uh's" at the end of their names.  Micah has been such a sweet baby.  I have enjoyed him immensely!  Noah is our FUN packed little guy!  He is three years old now.  I am amazed to see how he is developing socially.  He attends preschool three days a week for only a few hours each day.  He is absolutely LOVING it!  I enjoy having those hours to myself with little guy and it gives me some time to do the errands.  Life with two young children is much different that one.  I enjoy the FULL feeling that I get when I am with both of them.  Noah adapted easily enough.  I was concerned simply because for nearly three whole years Noah was the center of our attention and affections.  Noah is gentle and loving with Micah.  I do wonder how the dynamics of our home will change once Bella and Elijah come home.  I know that Noah will enjoy having his older siblings to play with and keep him company.
It seems like this adoption has taken much longer than it has.  Although two years is quite a long time when you are waiting.  The last time that I held Bella and Elijah was November of 2008.  I really don't know when I will be able to hold them again.  I keep asking Father if they will be home by certain holidays or seasons... and each time that time rolls around I try not to get my feelings hurt by the disappointment.  It is getting more difficult each time.  When we decided to adopt Bella and Elijah we had no idea that it would have taken this long.  I don't mean to complain.. it is just that things don't seem settled yet.